2014-01-22: A Duck, an Imp and Lawyer Go Into a Bar

 The Bronx - New York City The northern most borough is The Bronx. It could be said to be the worst of the five. It's known for one of the poorest Congressional Districts in the country. Public housing stands surrounded by sections of rubble. Not from attacks, but from abandoned construction attempts as aging buildings were torn down to make room for new. It's also been subject to waves of arson in years past. This is for the most part an ugly and possibly dangerous place to live, and yet it has a fairly high population. Along the southern edge are the few industries the borough holds, there are also shipping facilities and warehouses along the waterfront, along with the largest produce market on the east coast. Other places of interest include the Yankee Stadium, Van Cortlandt Park, Riverdale Country School in the Chapel Farm area, and the rising hope known as The Bronx Hub a.k.a The Hub-Third Avenue Business Improvement District (B.I.D.). It is the retail heart of the South Bronx, and is located within the neighborhood of Melrose. Also known as the Broadway of the Bronx, it resembles a miniature Times Square and has greatly worked to improve the area. It should be noted that The Bronx also includes several small islands in the East River and Long Island Sound such as City Island, Hart Island and of course, Rykers Island. Rykers Island is also known as The Raft, and houses a maximum security superhuman prison and can only be reached via water or air.



  Cue the Freelance Police. Or not. IT was one of those absurdly, almost freakishly rare days over in the Bronx in the middle of winter. The roads had mostly been plowed, and the sidewalks were half covered in mush-frozen snow, and pedestrians were having to go closer to one another than already even the eternally fragile tempers and cadence of personal space that New Yorkers were famed for. What was the event of total freakishness in a world populated by heroes from two worlds? The lack of traffic despite it being rush hour! And so a beaten up, dirty looking taxi was zipping along the main boulevard, the light reading 'Off Duty' stuck in the 'on' position no matter how many times the taxi's duckish driver could manage to hit it to try and get it to blink off. "Sunuva hairless ape and a female canine!"



 A little fellow in an armless and raggedy green tunic steps out onto the street and yells, "TAXI!" That's odd enough but the word seems to hover in a jagged edged speech balloon (comic sans serif font in fact.) "Yo duck boy! Over here!" The taxi comes to a screeching halt.



 The bumper of it goes a few more feet, unfortunately, "Sunuva. And you'd better not be with that green floating thing from last week with the cows. And where to fish face?"



 He snaps his fingers and is gone ... and there in the taxi behind the duck. "Bar. I don't know anyhting about a green thing. Name is Quisp." The little man or whatever leans back in the seat and sighs.



 Howard The Duck shrugs, "Look, if yer wantin' a bar that's a big green thing, yer in the wrong time of year fer' the place to be covered in moss. Now asbestos.."



 Quisp leans forward and somehow reaches around the plexiglass shield. The direction he stretches in hurts to look at. He points forward, "I want to drink and get hammered fast. Now take me to the nearest bar or I'll ... turn you into a human."



 There's a growl from Howard the Duck, "Don't make me make you into fish kabobs." For some reason up ahead is a large bar with a glowing neon sign marked 'The Anvil and Hammer'.



<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp wiggles through a couple of dimensions that shouldn't be there and ends up on the front seat. "There! That's the place! Go there!" He throws an arm around Howard's feathery neck and gives him an excited hug. "I like that place! Here, here's the lips of your taxi" With that the bumper is deposited on the hood of the cab.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck sighs, "Oh well, it's not like I'll ever find a parking space again." The cab pulls up over in front of the conveniently named bar. And there's an open /and/ legal parking space in the Bronx with no traffic. Nefarious and infernal things are afoot.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> No traffic. Free, legal parking space...s, plural, because Jen just VTOl'd her pink cadillac into the other. With the top down. Despite the fact that it's the middle of winter. Of course, it's not actually snowING right now. "Okay, what supervillain decided to get rid of all the traffic? Because that has to be part of somebody's nefarious plan."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp hops out of the car. "A parking space. That is weird. I mean you can't even get parking in Poseidonis on a weeknight. Hey come on duck guy. I'm buying. Leave the meter running, I can pay. There's this trick where you rotate a lump of coal through its time and eigenplot point and get a jewel. Speaking of jewels. Helloooo beautiful!"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck just blinks for a moment, "Okay, we're really in the Twilight Zone here." Yeah, two parking spaces in the Bronx, with actual working meters on them and no signs fo the apocalypse!? Howard waves over at his legal counsel, "How goes the briefs we're runnin'?" His eternal legal case/feud with Mister Lucas over the unproduced sequels. Jen had hit upon a brainstorm to try and coerce a settlement by trying to subpoena parts of what were known as the notes and references for the creative process for the Phantom Menace.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk fingerwaves, drops cash in the meter. "Stalled as ever. I swear, that case is stuck in limbo. Who's the green friend?" She looks Quisp up and down, trying to work out where he is. As she does so, one might absolutely swear somebody's watching from a nearby window, but whoever it is vanishes when you look at them straight on.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck says, "The lawyers of the Mouse are dangerous."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp floats up to look She-Hulk in the eyes, which he does a bit of. Actually he looks all the way up and says, "My name is Quisp. I'm a water sprite from the Sea Under the Sea. Except you don't have words for that direction so I went with 'under'. Good enough. May I say you are the best use of three dimensions I have ever seen as well as beautifully hued? Oh. I guess I said it already."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck nods over at She-Hulk, "I think he's taken with ya already. Or at least whoever is reframin' the shot is." Howard harrumphs, "And it'll get done when it gets done. Reason I got ya on retainer rather than on hourly." Jen's one of the few folks that Howard would admit doesn't quite ruffle his feathers.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp turns to Howard and says, "It's her turn to pose. What gives? Not that she isn't doing great standing there. In fact I'd buy 32 poses of it."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over at Quis, "Hey, you can't rush perfection. or do you want to have her rush you headfirst into a wall?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp says, "I'd die happy at least." He floats around her. "Man I thought Mera was hot. I wonder how she'd look in a green catsuit with a white collar ... nah girls hate when you manipulate the reality of their clothes."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> "I do believe I'm being flirted with by somebody from outside the universe. At least you aren't a skrull," she quipped. She asides to Howard, "Apparently I quite nicely fit Skrullish standards of female beauty. Unfortunately, I'm not that intrigued by Skrullish ideals of male beauty!"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over, "We're in the bar. Or we're outside of the bar. Whatever, we're in the general vicinity of one. So don't make me smack you on the head with a two by four." He goes to shrug his shoulders, "And I always thought Skrulls were more of the purple people eaters."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk shrugs. "They flirt with me all the time." She wanders into the bar. In one corner a scruffy man is sketching on a pad on the table. Actually? If you pay attention, he's drawing She-Hulk...and ignoring the real thing rather than using her as a life model. Huh.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck gives a very solid glare over at a very cheerful looking elderly and somewhat rotund man with a very wide beard and a thick pair of glasses wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt, "Never go on a cross country trip with that guy."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp says, "... Nick died last year. It isn't like Geoff or Jim will have anything to do with me. You guys have it good. Here, give me that, you're just fucking background anyway." He grabs a drink from a nondescript man in the background. The man doesn't object or even move. The water sprite knocks it back and begins hacking. "Oh mother of mercy ... Jack and water is NOT a background drink." "

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Jack and water isn't any kind of a decent drink, and I am totally never going on a trip with him." She moves to the bar and is handed a drink without ordering it. "Ah, this is better. It's great when they actually remember how I'm supposed to be drawn." An arch look at the guy in the corner who's sketching her.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over at the green thing, "Give the man some credit for going out on a high note that didn't come out like he was the fat lady. And really, it's either that or you end up hanging with Ghost Rider. Can he even decide which one he is at the moment?" The duck holds up his hands, "One Quackerjack."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp sends the scruffy guy a magnum of champagne. He knocks back another drink and says, "Hey wanna see something cool?" He reaches into his pocket and pulls money out with looking and slams it on the bar. "Exact amount for our drinks plus tip. Wait ... when the hell did I get pockets?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk snorts a bit. "When you needed them." She leans against the bar, going with the craziness completely for now. "So, let's see...who's going to show up next?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs, "Hey, they ask Spider-Man where the webs under his armpits go. Just chalk it up to, whaddya folks from the Distinguished Competition call it.. Hypertime?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp smiles a sad little knowing smile. "Hypertime. They don't know what they're talking about. It isn't anything to do with time. It's all just fiat. One minute ... I'm a major plot advancing little shit stirrer. The next, I don't fit in anywhere or ... Grant Morrison got his hands on me that one time and well look: http://www.comicvine.com/quisp/4005-31297/" Quisp shudders.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over at Jen, "So, do you want to make the obvious joke about where the fowl odor comes from or do you wanna leave it to me? And when were you trusted with doing major plot scenes? It's not like they treat that little flareup between Mite and Mxy as canon."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> "I made it last time. And there's hypertime, and then there's just plain bad writing. I mean, the Juggernaut? Seriously, the JUGGERNAUT?" she complains, loud enough to be heard by the drawing guy, who winces, but keeps drawing.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> The water sprite shakes his head and slams a shot. "No Howie, not major stories. I'd just set up the opposition for Artie and Garth. It didn't take much for an Aquaman story back then. I mean it isn't like the guy can move mountains or is the sharpest swordfish in the school. But ... I loved him and his whole bunch. And now ... when they really need cheering up (it's that damned fiat again) I have to screw with them further. I can't help it. And Mxy and Mite are jerks out of character as well. Hell, Mite wanted to imp for the Atom but I told him, you gotta be smaller than your human or no one can draw it right. Idiot."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over at She-Hulk, "That retcon was lumpy enough already. I swear that Slott guy did it purely to make a bad storyline worse." He jerks a thumb over at the guy drawing Jen in the background, "I mean, no offense to yer awesome friend there, but his work should be left on it's own. Each writer should have their own take. Not try 'an half do their own expy of it but not quite."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> "Except that when he writes Spider-Man, he's fine, until he has him get possessed by Doc Ock, but I think that was Wacker's fault," She-Hulk notes. "But yeah, he should stick to Spidey and leave me alone."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp takes Jen by the hand at pats it. "You never got your date with Hercules either did you? You deserved that at the very least for being made to jump rope in a bikini. You, Howie you gotta get back with Bev, man. I mean the whole point of your stories is while you act like you're the normal one you're the outsider perspective and she's your everyman and it was a brilliant set up. Not to mention she's adorable. I shouldn't complain. Did you see what they did to Animal Man?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck nods up at Jen, "Represent. And honestly, the man should decide whether he wants to be a continuity gonzo or a silly gonzo." He glances over at Quisp, "And nice way changin' the decades Slick. And I dunno, did they send the rest of the Electric Mayhem over with 'em or not?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk snorts. "Oh, I'm so over Hercules. Sure, he's a dishy piece, but no brains. No brains whatsoever."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck smirks, "They tend to go over on that side of the myth. So, he got any goods ta dish out on or just another prettyboy?"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp's eyes glow red, then he shakes his head and he's OOC again. "No. They had him bust the Fourth Wall ... only they were serious about it. Not the point. Our creators can throw us a bone once in a while. We deserve better. Why can't they ever tell a story about something good happening to us."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck emphatically shrugs his nonexistent epaulets, "Hey, I get a miniseries once a decade ta make sure the rights don't revert, Ambush Bug's only in backup stories as a news anchor these days. She's got a new ongoing and we'll see if it can last more'n a dozen issues. No offense Lean 'An Green."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;">  "Like I say. Big, muscle bound, dumb, good for a night in the sack, not good for anything more than that." She stretches a little bit.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp looks up at Jen and says, "You really are very pretty and you're smart and have brains as well. I'm a runty little imp who never even got runty little imp girls to look his way. Yet here I am talking to you and you're really nice too."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> The Juggernaut kicks the door to the bar open and bellows, "She-Hulk! Face me!"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp turns around and wiggles a finger and Juggie’s gone. "Hey ... scruffy man! I was talking to the lady. Unless you want to be sent to Europa with bullethead you keep drawing doodles and not advancing any plots. She's taking the night off. If Dr. Bong shows up he gets the same treatment!"

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She just regards the Juggernaut evenly. She-Hulk actually does. Bbiab.

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over, "Hey, cut the gal some slack. She's allowed ta like what she likes. Me? I feel like Jack 'an Steve are playin' a big game of 'backsies' with me. I mean, Destroyer Duck? Really?" He sighs.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp says, "What'd I say? She's nice and I want her to have a nice evening and a couple drinks is all. She can have whatever she wants. I'm not going to do some kind of mind control on her r something. I'm not Svengali. I'm an imp ... water sprite!. Stupid retcons. Yeah that is a bummer about the rights. That sort of thing leads to way too many Dalek stories on Dr. Who. Which is what Aquaman watches when he supposed to be on monitor duty. I'll show Mr. Grim & Gritty." He looks at Jen and says, "I would never use my powers on you. I like you just the way you are: date, friend, whatever you want."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs, "Eh, grim and gritty is okay. Then again I say this now being owned by the Mouse, so take that with a grain of salt knowing that they not only have done Duck Tales but also Cool World and Pulp Fiction." The duck takes another sip of his jack without the daniels. "And to each their own. Who am I to judge one person's love of the black and white of the silver age in present company with one who prefers the bronze age 'an the grim and gritty of the deconstruction era."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> The door remains open where Juggernaut kicked it. Quisp says, "Maybe I should bring bullethead back and set him somewhere on Earth? Nah the mods will bring him back when they need him. No explanations necessary. Or he'll think it was a dream. No Howie, I don't hate the Bronze Age. Lots of good stories. I like your stories and Jen's, but ... I'd like to stay true to myself, my concept. It's like I'm ... trapped in a world I never made." He looks over at the rotund man and raises his glass to him. "I finally got that. Thanks Steve."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck glances over, "Don't steal that byline or we'll have a worse court case than Marvel Man. And we're still not sure yet if Todd's figured out if he actually owns it or not." The duck lets out a sigh then. "And really, hasn't it gone on long enough? The Kirbys, the Simons, the Shuster's.. It's a damned shame and a crime how they were. But it was a real long time ago."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> "Yeah. It isn't like many others didn't build on their concepts and do their own valid work. Howard ... you're an anthropomorphic anatid genius. this stuff I'm going through ... it's other people building on my original concept. Why didn't I see that before? I just have to go with the flow. If they want a grim, menacing Qwsp I have to give it my best shot." He slaps Howard on the back. "Barkeep, another round for me and my friends here! I want to get another belt in before we fade to black."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs his shoulders, "Eh, Marvel got sued and as a result I had to wear pants. And even now that's not an issue I still gotta wear 'em. What's next, havin' ta put on shoes? I mean, you seen what it's like findin' things that fit these fins?" He goes to waggle up and over one of his webbed feet.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk shakes her head. "At least nobody argues about who owns me, even if I was written just so Marvel could claim a trademark before nobody else was. Like poor Supergirl. At least they made me *different* from Bruce."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs, "Hey, you were the last character Stan came up with that had any feet to 'em. You've got a quality all yerself gal."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> The Imp ... water sprite says, "And I'm a knock off of Bat-Mite and Mxyzptlk. You know if one of us was good in Superman then everyone has to have one and a pet, and a female counterpart to The Imp ... water sprite says, "And I'm a knock off of Bat-Mite and Mxyzptlk. You know if one of us was good in Superman then everyone has to have one and a pet, and a female counterpart too. Sorry I seem to be skipping decades. It happens when I drink."

<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs, "Hey, could be worse. At least they're not makin' ya the one that has identity issues." Giving a nod up at She-Hulk.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She-Hulk finishes her beer. "Hey, I don't have identity issues. Any more."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp nods. "Oh don't get me started on Identity Crisis." Quisp says, "Poor Sue."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck shrugs, "Hey, you never know. AT some point Slott's storyline is gonna be retro and they'll bring it up and it'll be a No Prize. I mean, he did it with Razorback."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp says, "You're starting every statement by shrugging. Are you okay? Have you been out of the water too long or something?" Howard

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> The Duck glances over, "Says the one who can't decide if he's in character or out of character in the same pose. Make up yer mind on continuity!" Turning to Jen, "And John touched anything for anyone after that Spider-Man Chapter One stuff?" Howard The Duck says, "Poor Byrne. I think it has to do with having wings. Wing-arms. Whatever."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> She flickers the duck a grin. "And I haven't heard much from him since the time I threw him out a window."

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Quisp says, "Oh nice. I ask if you're okay and you run down my characterization? Nice. I was going to say let's do this again but if you find me so tedious I'll be going." Quisp pulls out money again without looking and puts it down on the bar. "Have fun in Pleasantville Mr. Duck. Ms. Jen, it was my pleasure and I hope we meet again. But ... it's unlikely. We all know what happens when comedy relief goes serious." Quisp gets up to leave.

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<p style="margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px;font-size:16px;line-height:normal;font-family:Times;"> Howard The Duck gives a wave, "Hey, good luck staying in or out of continuity. And give Ambush Bug my regards. Namely a shotgun blast at point blank range and say that he's due for another crossover with Lobo."