2014-01-19 - Going Numb

Stark, well, he actually got some sleep! He isn't fully rested, but no dark circles under his eyes. He even caught a shower and shaved, not that he has a smooth face, it's just all trimmed up and not scruffy looking. He also has shoes in, yayayayayayayay! Or something! Anyway! He wears a stylish polo shirt with the top open, a black leather jacket over that - an expensive jacket style rather than biker - and designer blue jeans with Gucci leather boots on his feet. He is still chilly today, not too warm, so in reality he has his jacket zipped up the front and wool gloves on his hands, along with a stylish black scarf with gold edging about his neck. Within his hands are two cups of hot cocoa, one of which he is holding for Sawyer who should be here any moment. He hopes. Unless she dumped his 'date asking/offer/something'. Wait...it's not a date! Not really! They are /just/ friends. Right, friends. Damn, he misses her.

Stunned.. that's what Sawyer was when Tony called for this little rendezvous. She didn't confirm, one way or the other.. just said.. if she can make it, she'll be there. She's been doing her best.. with the sessions with Dr. Samson, and getting her life back in order.. most especially.. trying to find ways to keep her heart from splintering. She tried /not/ to think of Tony.. distracting herself with work.. that's always good, right? Except, every time she turned around, there was some sort of reminder that caused her heart to twinge.

As the pre-arranged time drew near, her stomach grew steadily more nervous.. she almost sent a text saying she couldn't make it.. not feeling well... but then that sounded like a cop out, even to her. Leaving the bookstore in good hands, she made a quick change in her office, slipping into a pair of mid-calf boots (faux leather) with an inch and a half heel, zipping them up and pulling the cuffs of her boot cut black jeans down over top. She slipped into a long sleeve, simple, cotton shirt with modest crew neck, and slipped her favorite black leather jacket over top. With the chill in the air, and the fact she plans on riding her motorcycle, she makes sure to grab her fleece scarf to wrap around her neck before zipping up her jacket and pulling on her matching black gloves.

Her bike is parked just out back, and she snatches up her helmet, twisting her hair up to tuck beneath as she slips the helmet on over her head. It, too, is all black, and suitable style for the crotch rocket she swings her leg over before flipping down the full face visor, hearing the click as it snaps into place.

The drive to the park isn't very long, especially on the bike, and she arrives in good time, stowing her helmet and slipping off a glove to quickly smooth out her hair. It seems she's made a few changes, and though her hair is still the same length, when the sun catches it just right, there appears to be a subtle red hue to her already auburn locks. She slips her glove back on her hand and pulls up the collar of her jacket before heading to the rendezvous point, the butterflies in her stomach beginning a whole new Arial act that has her pressing her hand against her stomach as you come into view. Her nervousness increases tenfold as she draws near, and she slows her steps, having to take a deep breath, letting it out slowly... testing her voice. "Tony.."

When Sawyer comes in view and says his name, well...Stark actually shares a boyish grin, "Hey." He offers the hot cocoa out toward you. "A warm bribe to coming out to see the white wolves with me in the cold. They are supposed to be more active during cool weather rather than warm." And he's still grinning. He looks...happy. Sleep does the guy good.

Sawyer extends her hand, taking the cocoa. "Thank you." Her voice waivers a bit, and whatever she might have been about to say next is discarded. Nope.. not going to say it. She does offer a smile though before lifting the cup to her lips, taking a tentative sip. It appears you might have to carry the conversation.. for now.

Stark's grin slips when Sawyer barely says anything and becomes more shy. But he then starts to walk after Sawyer takes her first sip. He takes another sip of his cocoa as the two enter the zoo, Stark paying the admission fee. "So...how are things going? Getting back into the swing of things? Normalcy and all that...hehehehe, normalcy," as if the concept is a joke.

As you begin to walk, Sawyer falls into step beside you. She casts frequent, sideways glances toward you, but if you look in her direction, she quickly looks ahead. "I'm legally living again.. stepping back up and taking the reigns of the N&C again.." A small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. "Aunt Mellie has been making frequent visits.." Her smile falters, and she's quick to sip the cocoa again.. buying her a little time. "Not so many visits with Dr. Samson.. and waiting for the weather to warm up again so I can get out rock climbing again." She takes a deep breath of the crisp, cool air. "I seem to find more peace while climbing. Not quite the same in a gym." Though, truth be told.. if you've been keeping track of her.. she hits the gym at least once a day. A little kick boxing, weight lifting - though it's strictly for toning - and even a Zumba class twice a week.

"Just don't over do it, alright?" Stark worrying about Sawyer again. "But hey, keep up with your training, with your fitness, it's good for you and you never know when you might need it. The world has a habit of taking a shit in your back yard against your will," Stark explains. "Maybe I should get a bumper tag for Iron Man, 'Shit Happens', ya...about that." He smirks a bit, pausing to look at a building, "Want to check out the reptiles before heading to the wolf pens?"

She falters a step, 'tripping' over her feet. Without a second thought, she reaches out, trying to grab on to something to keep from falling on her face. At the very least, she keeps the cocoa from spilling.. and as she's regains her balance, her cheeks flush a little darker than can be attributed to the weather. She clears her throat, taking a deep breath before attempting to speak again. "Bugger it all." She growls under her breath, casting a sideways glance in your direction.

Sawyer brushes herself off, even though she didn't end up getting anything on her.. more a reflex reaction and aid to helping her regain her composure. "Reptiles hmm?" Not that she wouldn't love to spend more time with you.. even with the nervous butterflies, and aching in her heart. If only she had the courage.. but no.

Stark actually does move to catch Sawyer's arm to help stabilize her. He smirks a bit, "Hey, least you are still same ol' Sawyer, right?" Basically, you are still totally a klutz girl, but it's cute! He releases Sawyer however after she has her feet firmly under her. "Yes the Reptiles. We can warm up there too, the building be heated, then slip out the other exit side and be closer to the wolf pens." He then sighs, "Is something going on I don't know about Sawyer? You are seriously a million miles away." Usually it's the other way around.

Despite the ambient cold, where you touch her arm feels very warm, even after you remove your hand. She even rubs the spot absently. "Sure.. warm is good." She takes a turn, getting things moving again, though she doesn't really notice if it's in the direction of the reptiles or not... but moving is good.

Your next words have her stopping dead in her tracks, and growing very quiet. A few heartbeats, and she manages a smile. "What? Something going on that the Great Tony Stark doesn't know about?" Yes.. she's teasing.. deflecting. She doesn't want to admit.. rather.. confess to what has her behaving this way. After all, her heart can only stand being pushed away so many times.

"I keep track of you Sawyer for your safety, and cause it makes me feel better. However, I don't stalk your private life as there is a huge difference between the two. One is concern, the other is like supervillainy." But Stark then opens the door to the reptile house. Course, it's kinda umm...dark in here, but it is warm as the two go through the foyer area and through another door that keeps the heat in to see the black light lit reptile aquariums.

Wait.. isn't deflecting what Tony usually does when he doesn't want to discuss something? Seems Sawyer's 'taken notes' over the years. The cocoa is soon discarded, mostly finished, as the two of you step into the reptile house. She rubs her hands together before slipping her gloves off and stuffing them in her pockets. She doesn't need them as much in here, and even goes so far as to unzip her jacket an loosen her scarf. "Right.. no stalker.." She comments, though it doesn't sound like sarcasm.. just an affirmation of your differentiating.

She moves on ahead of you toward the first exhibit, leaning on the rail to lean in a bit for a closer view of the species on exhibit. "Cold blooded.. needing an outside source to keep warm." An off handed comment, but at least it has nothing to do with her feelings.. right?

"So when you act weird, unless you were in a motorcycle accident, or some otherwise public incident, I'm not going to know about it alright? So you can either tell me when I notice something, or tell me to mind my own business, which I will respect," Stark continues. But he then settles down. "Ya. Know the feeling," he states in response to Sawyer's observations about the reptiles.

Leaning on the railing, her elbows bent and forearms balanced on the bar, Sawyer continues to stare into the exhibit. "And try to fix it?" She asks, her hair falling over her shoulders to provide some sort of veil for her features. No, she doesn't want to look at you right now. Even being this close to you, and not holding your hand.. not having your arm around her.. it's.. hard.

"I don't know, I can't even fix my own life Sawyer. But...I can be a friend and just listen." Stark pauses to stare at one particularly nasty looking lizard, and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. He has fallen silent, not really looking at you.

Sawyer takes a slow, deep breath. "No.. you probably wouldn't fix this anyway." She murmurs softly, pushing back from the bar to stand up, moving past you to the next exhibit. No.. she didn't say you couldn't.. she said.. wouldn't.

Stark follows behind, quietly, looking at the different exhibits. He doesn't say anything for a while, just seeming to study the animals, and have a distracted expression on his face.

This is probably the most quiet the two of you have ever been. In the past, it's either been 'bickering'.. or romantic.. but Sawyer doesn't seem to be in the mood for bickering. Or maybe it's been the past year.. or.. maybe even.. "I was surprised to hear from you." And here, she thought she was going to talk about anything not related to the two of you. It would be easier.. maybe.

"Why? I said I wanted to be friends, I showed you the Avengers Academy....," and Stark sighs. "I get eaten by work, consumed by things. It has gotten worse after...you know," Sawyer's supposed 'death'. "I don't keep track of time like I used to. Just rather than partying, it's lab work now. I've been working with Pym on a project a lot recently, we are on the finishing touches."

Sawyer nods, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "I remember.. you spent a lot of time in you labs.." There is a hint of wistfulness to her voice as she recalls a time or two being shown to your lab by Jarvis.. and some of the events that came from those visits.

It's a good thing the two of you are in a darker area, at least as far as Sawyer's concerned. Her memories bring a deep shade of crimson to paint her cheeks. She makes sure to keep her face turned so you can't see. Her heart rate increases a bit, and she tries to unobtrusively wipe her hands on her thighs, suddenly finding them a bit damp.

Stark actually chuckles, though it's a bit of a dark sound, "Stopped living at the Penthouse, still barely go there. Live at the Avengers Mansion or in my lab...mostly the upstairs rooms, no memories where there." He shrugs a bit in the darkish long room. "Did eventually get past the lab sleeping quarters issue, still don't go to the Penthouse much. When I want a house to myself, usually fly out to California to my estate there." The old memories of the crazy woman that shot him in the back, are not particularly strong and don't really bother him.

"What if I said..." Sawyer begins, but stops. She practically chokes on the words, unable to bring herself to say them. She shakes her head as she approaches the next exhibit, still in the dark room. "Look at this one. I wonder what's going through his.. or her mind. Wonder if they ever look out from their exhibits to see the people gawking at them.. and think about being on this side of the glass." Yes.. a change of subject.

"One way glass I think, they can't see us." Stark moves to look into the exhibit his free hand instinctively moving to touch Sawyer's back. He did successfully get distracted from his previous thoughts...but at least he's still confessing that he still remembers, that he is still haunted by those memories.

The touch, even through her jacket, startles her.. and you can feel her stiffen briefly, even though she doesn't move away. She turns to face you.. probably the first time she's looking at you straight on, since the moment she arrived. "Tony.." Her voice is so quiet, and she takes a slow breath.

Stark turns to look at Sawyer in the shadowy reptile center, and freezes himself. Yep, he is totally remember that kiss at Sawyer's apartment. "Umm...is that a Tony go to hell, Tony I'm going to murder you, Tony as in stop that, Tony as in O.K., Tony as in whatever, or Tony I'm totally thinking of kissing you right now too?" Stark blinks at the last one as if he didn't mean to say that.

It's a good thing it's dark in here, because it means you're less likely to notice the tears gathering in her eyes. "It's a.. Tony.. I don't think I can be friends with you." Her voice starts to crack and she has to take several deep breaths to steady her voice to keep from crying. It takes several seconds, which feel like an eternity to her.. before she can continue. "I don't want to be friends.. it hurts too much... being around you but not holding your hand.. not feeling your arms wrapped around me.. remembering how good it feels to be in your arms.. to kiss you.." She takes a shuddering breath, failing to keep the tears back.

"I haven't stopped thinking about you.. no matter how hard I try. Every time I turn around, something reminds me of you.. some memory or other.. and knowing I'm supposed to try and get over it.. get past it.. try and push my love into some little compartment marked history.. I can't." It doesn't seem to register in her mind that you said 'too'.

"Oh." That's all Stark says as he pulls away. As his mind tries to process the information he says, "Well, since we are here, let's go see the stupid wolves." He starts to head for the exit nearby. He moves to hold the first door open for you, and then the second if you follow him, exiting to the outside with you.

Sawyer doesn't move at first, and when she does, she moves to grab your arm. "I don't want to go see any stupid wolves." When she steps into the more well lit area, you can see the streaks of tears. "I can't do it Tony.. I just can't. Since you don't want to move past friends.. I.." She shakes her head, releasing your arm and digging her gloves out from her pockets. "I think I'm just going to head home. I don't think I'm feeling so well." She turns, heading back the way she came.

Tony really feels like he just got gut punched. And when Sawyer moves to turn his back to her, he steps forward to grab her about the waist and pull him back toward her. The two can feel the hot air beating down on them in the breezeway between the two entry doors. He presses his face against your hair. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice deep and the hurt heard within it. He wants to do something, do /anything/ right now, but he's afraid to move forward.

You just about /get/ gut punched when she feels an arm around her waist. She certainly wasn't expecting you to do that, but the feel of your face against her hair.. the warmth of your breath.. your words.. stills her. "Why? What are you sorry for Tony?" It's all she can do to make herself pull away.. but it's only just enough for her to turn around and face you. Even with her gloves on, she wants so badly to reach up and cup your face. Her hands start to lift.. but she's afraid you'll push her away again. "You're not responsible for my feelings Tony.. only your own... and I can't make you want to be with me. You've moved on.. moved past us.. and I just have to do the same." Even though it's killing her.

"Sawyer....," Tony sounds just as pained. "That's the problem, I haven't moved on truly. I managed to accept your death finally, and then you come back, which is confusing in it's own right, then Simon comes back...it's like geez, guess if anyone dies in my arms it's a good luck charm that they get to come back from the dead? Oh wait...nope, not everyone," and he rolls his eyes at his own sarcasm and the pain there. "Look, it's just....there isn't anyone else, alright? I couldn't just...I couldn't date anyone else. Some flirting here and there, but honestly? All I thought was...I could be burying them next. Too much death, too much...everything. I'm still broken myself, and I can't hold myself together let alone a relationship. I love you, I'll always love you Sawyer, but I'm not the man I was before. I'm stuck and broken and on repeat. I realize that. I don't want to lose you, you are really important to me, but I also don't want you to be a target anymore either."

If you're distracted enough, you might just get slapped. Sawyer raises her hand.. pretty quick for her.. her hand aiming for your cheek. Whether it connects or not, she still says.. her voice still uneven from - as yet - more unshed tears. "I'm going to be a target, whether I'm with you or not. Don't you get that? Why do you think I've been going to the gym every day. Sure.. I'm not thrilled about how I've got new skills.. but I sure as bloody hell am not going to let them get rusty. If I'm able.. I've been planning on looking into getting a few firearms.. that is if anyone trusts me enough after what I've done." She rolls her eyes. "I know, I've been through the therapy.. but really.. does anyone really trust me?" Not to mention the few blades she has stashed around her room.

"So.. instead of working with me.. trying to get things together.. you're hell bent on keeping me at arms distance.. torturing me instead.. because Tony.. that's what this is." With her other hand she grips the front of your jacket. "Ever since that kiss.. I thought.. maybe.." Her voice cracks again. ".. but then you pushed me away.. and when I see you again.. it's to show me the Avenger's Academy.. anything.. but dealing with us.. and here.. the park.." She closes her eyes, her grip on your jacket loosening. ".. when I felt your hand on my back.. all I could think was.. Why? Why doesn't he pull me in his arms?" She sniffles, tears starting to stream down her cheeks. "Hasn't he missed me.. or is he afraid I'm going to turn on him?"

The slap connects, Tony didn't even try to pull away from it or stop it. He just...took the slap. His expression is sad. He doesn't speak for a while, letting Sawyer rant at him. It isn't like he doesn't deserve it. "I missed you," Stark says quietly. "I still got that hole inside me Sawyer. I could kiss you here, hell, I'd love to take you home and just make love to you like there is no tomorrow. But come tomorrow, I have commitments I dedicated myself to, commitments that makes a cop life look danger-free. A life that won't have me by your side regularly. I can't balance my life, and I haven't the strength to put you as a priority. You...deserve better, it's why...I haven't given in to those urges, just giving in to what I want. I don't want to face my fears, and I don't want you taking second place in my life when you deserve the world at your feet."

Stark raises a hand to brush your tears away. "Please though, don't think I don't love you, but I'm doing whatever I can to be honest with you. I know I suck as expressing myself, I excel at putting my foot in my mouth and screwing things up, but...damn it, I do love you and I do care. And yes, I'm a damn scaredy cat to the point that it gives me nightmares. I'm not a very good man, but that doesn't mean I love you any less because of my own failures."

"You stupid git.." Sawyer can't seem to get any real venom in her words. Her hand that slapped you moves to cup against the 'wounded' cheek. ".. stop deciding what I deserve. Even before, I knew your work.. everything.. was important. Sure.. I would wish I could have more time with you.. but at least then I was assured of your love. I had your heart.. and it made it bearable. It made the time I had with you so much more precious." Her other hand grips your jacket tighter again, her eyes closing as she tilts her head, leaning into the brief touch.

When she opens her eyes again to look up at you. "If you're trying to deprive yourself.. that's one thing.. but this.. keeping me at arms length.. you're depriving me too. At least when I was with HYDRA.. I had hope.. I had a goal.. trying to free you.. so we could be together again. I honestly believe, that's the only thing that kept me going.. because if I thought you were dead.." She doesn't say it.. it's reflected in her expression. She would have given up.

"Shhh," and Stark leans down to touch his forehead to yours. "Don't talk like that. Don't make your happiness, your sheer existance depend on me. I'm not strong enough Sawyer. I need you to find your own purpose, your own strength to live onward, to be happy. I know it isn't perfect with a hole inside you, but you /can/ find happiness in different moments, with friends and comrades, with doing something rewarding. You need to find what that is for you."

Stark then moves to kiss your forehead. "Perhaps, when you do, I'll have the strength to not have to be alone. Never again, should your life, your existence depend on me. I cannot accept that, I'm truly sorry." That dependency is what makes Stark pull away again when there was that doubt in the back of his mind.

Stark steps back from Sawyer reluctantly. "I know it's tough, but...if you can't see me, perhaps we can text or E-Mail. Something...until things get straightened out. I'm not going to lie, there is a small part of me that hopes things will work out between us, but at this time it just isn't possible. Neither of us are whole enough to properly stand on our own two feet, how can we make a relationship work?"

Sawyer closes her eyes when you touch your forehead to hers. "You still don't get it, do you Tony?" She says, it being more of a rhetorical question. "Maybe it's your ego that has you interpreting my words that way.. but my existence doesn't depend on you." She steps back, even as you kiss her forehead. "My happiness doesn't depend on you." She lays her hand flat against your chest, if you let her, pushing a little as she takes another step back. "I'm not some little girl who can't live without you. I've learned to do it before.." That time when she went away.. tried moving on with some other guy. ".. I can do it again... but if I move on like that.. we can't even be friends. I won't ever stop loving you.. I hope you know that.. but I'm no masochist. I won't keep dangling hope before myself, only to have you yank it away again."

She swallows hard, taking yet another step backwards. "It won't be easy for me.. but I can't even text you.. or email. I can't say it will be overnight.. but I have been getting on with my life. It's the day to day stuff.. and it may not be working perfectly.. but it'll do.. for now." Tears spring to her eyes again. "So please.. unless you're ready to be more than friends.." She slowly shakes her head, voice cracking again. ".. don't try to contact me."

"Have you Sawyer? Did you forget I'm Iron Man? A life that held no meaning, how you talked about that time without me to Iron Man? Or the fact you indicated you would just give up if I was dead in your earlier comments? Do you even listen to yourself? What am I supposed to think? Maybe it is my damn ego, but you know what? I don't want my ego! I gave Stark Enterprises to Pepper, I sacrificed my relationship with her to save her life, I lie to everyone's faces almost every day in some minor way to keep secrets I wish I didn't have to. I am constantly trying to put others first, even when I hate doing it. Maybe it's wrong to want to see you happy with your life, feeling driven toward something, anything, that isn't me. To be able to look at you and talk to you and hear you talk happily about something, /anything/. For you to laugh at something that happened in your day, or to say that you got to beat up a wanna be mugger and get him arrested, I don't know, just anything. Instead, all I hear is 'Why are you doing this to us Tony?' And the answer? Because I don't see Sawyer Mason, and I don't see Tony Stark. I see a woman that can only see her love for me, and I see a man haunted by ghosts. I wish I saw something else, I wish I saw who you really are. But I can't make something work on the foundation of tears and fears."

Stark snorts, "Hell, I just rhymed." He then raises a hand and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I...won't contact you anymore, and I'll outsource your security detail. I'll have them contact you with the details so you can work with them on privacy and guidelines. They will report directly to you, they will just be already paid. Use them, I should have used them before and maybe this wouldn't have happened to begin with if I didn't try to handle everything my own damn self."

Sawyer shakes her head. "The only reason you hear about us.. is because 'us'.. isn't resolved. We've had something pretty significant happen to our relationship.. and you obviously want me to work it out on my own. It doesn't matter that a relationship involved two people... and that /maybe/.. just /maybe/.. instead of avoiding talk of us.. and what we were.. and what happened.. and what I did to us.. /maybe/.. finding some closure on this past year would be a positive thing."

She raises her voice a little, but stops herself, taking a deep breath and moves closer. "I don't want your security detail." She says firmly. "I don't need you looking out for me. In case you forgot.. I've gotten pretty kick ass. Yes, I've changed.. and I'm sorry you don't want to hear about /us/.. so don't worry. I won't say another word on the subject." With those words, she turns and walks away.. she doesn't storm away.. but walks.. straight shoulders, head up.. making sure to zip her jacket up as she heads for the door.

"You can't have eyes and ears everywhere, they are a gift," but Sawyer is walking away. Stark sighs. "There are two individuals too." They don't see eye-to-eye anymore, perhaps they never have. Stark looks down at his hands pained, empty of Sawyer. Perhaps it is for the best. Maybe she will find that spark for herself...and he will miss out when she finds it. He soon stuffs his own gloved covered hands, stained with Sawyer's tears into his pockets and heads back the other way in the reptile building to go a different exit from the zoo. Stark feels numb.